In every project, every company, every department, there is a Game of Thrones being played. Power plays between people, teams, and departments that result in massive conflicts. In this talk, I share why these conflicts exist, what strategies you can use to survive them, and how to stay healthy during difficult times. The Game of Thrones is played everywhere. It starts in kindergarten with the fight over a puppet and ends at your deathbed when descendants fight over your heritage.
The Five Inner Demons: Why We Are Violent#
Violence is deeply rooted in each one of us because evolutionarily, it was important for human survival. We all have five characteristics that lead us to use violence. I call them the Five Inner Demons.
Predatory violence is often an easy way to gain an evolutionary advantage. The stronger simply took what they needed. In one of my projects at a private bank, the IT department lost control of a project to the business department after we successfully introduced agile methods. The IT department called it robbery. The business department called it a logical step for the good of the company.
Dominance is about gaining or maintaining power. Once you have established that you are in charge, you do not need to fight every time. A manager once yelled at me in a meeting: “I have 13 years of software engineering experience, I have been working for 10 years in this bank as a manager. You don’t need to tell me how we should build software.” As Tywin Lannister would say: “Any man who must say I am the manager is no true manager.”
Revenge is spread across all cultures. “An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.” Evolution has made revenge feel sweet. Experiments with laboratory rats showed that their brains react to revenge as euphorically as to sugar or cocaine. At the private bank, after business moved the project away from IT, IT made business’s life as hard as possible, and business returned the favor. Sweet revenge, and we were stuck in the middle.
Sadism fortunately does not live in all of us, but the capacity for it is present in every human being. I have never encountered pure sadism in my work, but I will never tolerate it.
Ideology is perhaps surprising on this list. Ideology is always about achieving a perfect state where everybody is happy. But practically, the path to that state is often paved with conflict. At the private bank, the IT department had a waterfall process. Then Zühlke appeared, promoting agile, a different way. And the conflict started.
The Four Angels: What Keeps Violence in Check#
Fortunately, we also have positive characteristics that help suppress violence.
Empathy originally served the purpose of caring for our children and relatives. Evolutionarily, empathic behavior made it possible to have beneficial relationships beyond blood relations. If you think you are not empathic, good news: empathy can be trained. I use empathy constantly in my work, always asking myself: what are the motives, goals, and feelings of my counterpart?
Self-control is governed by the prefrontal cortex, which makes rational and complex decisions. When a quick reward is available, the older limbic system can override it with emotional impulses. Violent people struggle with impulse control. Fortunately, self-control can be trained through exercise, strict diets, or any discipline that builds impulse control in one area and transfers to others.
Morality is a shaky candidate. It can suppress violence by strengthening group cohesion, but it can also promote violence toward people who think differently.
The mind is perhaps our greatest asset. Being violent is often easy and promises quick success, but it is usually quite foolish. The smarter and more educated we become, the more alternative paths we discover.
You need to know the Five Inner Demons: predatory, dominance, revenge, sadism, and ideology. And you need to know they can be managed by empathy, self-control, morality, and the mind.
Seven Conflict Types in the Workplace#
A conflict occurs when the interests, objectives, or values of individuals or groups appear to be incompatible. Here are the seven most common types you will encounter:
- Goal Conflict: Two goals cannot be achieved simultaneously (cheap price but high quality)
- Relationship Conflict: One party hurts, humiliates, or disregards the other (driven by dominance)
- Conflict of Matter: Differences of opinion or viewpoints (is Java better than .NET?)
- Conflict of Strategy: Agreement on goals, but different views on how to achieve them (agile vs. waterfall)
- Value Conflict: Different value systems, arising when someone tries to force their values on others (religious conflicts, environmental values)
- Role Conflict: Incompatible demands placed upon a person (seller expected to be honest by customers but to maximize sales by management)
- Conflict of Interest: A person involved in multiple interests where serving one works against the other (insider trading, company vs. customer interests)
Note that a conflict can also consist of multiple other conflicts. Behind a relationship conflict, there is often a goal conflict as the root cause.
Nine Stages of Conflict Escalation#
The model of conflict escalation has nine stages across three levels:
Level 1: Both parties can still win
- Stage 1: Tension (occasional clashes of opinion)
- Stage 2: Debate (strategies to convince, black-and-white thinking, ideology joins)
- Stage 3: Action instead of words (pressure increases, communication breaks off, dominance joins)
Level 2: One party loses
- Stage 4: Coalition (searching for followers, winning becomes more important than the issue)
- Stage 5: Loss of face (destruction through fake facts, trust is completely lost, revenge joins)
- Stage 6: Threat strategies (attempts to gain absolute control through threats)
Level 3: Both parties lose
- Stage 7: Limited destruction (opponent no longer regarded as human, sadism joins)
- Stage 8: Total extinction (opponent to be destroyed by all means)
- Stage 9: Together into the abyss (personal extinction accepted to defeat the opponent)
For de-escalation: in stages 1 to 3, you can mediate yourself. In stages 4 to 6, you need a professional like a psychologist. In stages 7 to 9, you need forced intervention: lawyers, judges, or authorities.
The Battle Map and Strategy Matrix#
For conflict resolution, I use a strategy matrix with two axes: cooperation level and pressure level.
- High cooperation + High pressure = Cooperative mode (both parties win)
- Low cooperation + High pressure = Pressure mode (I win, opponent loses)
- High cooperation + Low pressure = Withdrawal (I lose, opponent wins)
- Low cooperation + Low pressure = Avoidance (conflict not resolved, both lose)
- Medium on both axes = Trade-off (nobody is happy, but it is a resolution)
I also use a battle map: a network diagram of all stakeholders with green lines (allies), orange lines (light conflicts), and red lines (heavy conflicts), annotated with conflict types. This map helps with stakeholder management and identifying problem areas.
Two Survival Strategies: Meditation and Sleep#
Conflicts are not solved in a day. You need strategies to stay healthy during difficult times.
Meditation: I meditate at least four times every week. It relaxes the brain, makes me calm, and measurably changes brain waves. Studies show meditation improves your mind, self-control, and empathy. Simply sit upright, keep your eyes open looking at a wall, breathe in and out, count breaths from 1 to 10, and try not to think about anything for 20 minutes. As an old saying goes: “You should sit in meditation for 20 minutes a day. Unless you are too busy. Then you should sit for an hour.”
Sleep: Too often completely underestimated. Only during sleep can your body store what you have learned, repair cells, and recharge batteries. Sleep at least seven to nine hours every day. If you cannot sleep because your mind is wandering, get up and meditate. After meditation, you will sleep very well.
Key Takeaways#
- Workplace conflicts are driven by five inner demons: predatory instinct, dominance, revenge, sadism, and ideology
- Four angels help manage these demons: empathy, self-control, morality, and the mind
- Learn to identify the seven conflict types and the nine stages of escalation to choose the right resolution strategy
- Use the strategy matrix (cooperation vs. pressure) and battle maps for systematic conflict resolution
- Meditation and sufficient sleep are the two most important survival strategies for staying healthy during conflict
- Knowledge is the key. When you understand why people behave the way they do, the whole Game of Thrones loses its horror